Do you know what it feels like to be left behind?

Losing everyone around you in such a little time.

I try not to worry since she left in the past,

But its hard going through life knowing nothing ever lasts!

Its hard to hide behind this frown,

When on the inside you're on the verge of a break down!

I've lost something that meant the world to me,

All I've left of her are her memories.

You have no idea how badly i want them back,

But they have left me in the past which was there plan of attack.

The pain of losing them will never go away,

I'm tired of feeling like this everyday.

I feel like I no longer belong,

I fake my happiness to show nothing's wrong.

OKAY!! so this one is dedicated to my ever best friend.....

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It is one of those days,
one of those days when you realize that every night, you come back to an empty house.
one of those days when you are walking back home and all the songs on shuffle seem to be about loneliness and heartbreak.
one of those days when you wish you had someone's arms to cuddle in after a long day at work.

one of those days when it seems like that heartbreak happened just yesterday.
one of those days when you see a cute couple and you can't help but wonder what it would be like to have that with someone.

one of those days when nothing you do seems to make too much sense.
one of those days when you just want to lie in bed and have a dream-less sleep.

one of those days where you are smiling at everyone and making conversation but it feels out of place.
Its one of days that will pass......
tomorrow i will wake up and today will be a thing of the past, may be even forgotten.
But for now, its still just one of those days...!!!

--praveen 

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This is a story 8 years back…!

The relationship which lost their track..!

With every incident that happened is there in the memory,

Oh don’t be anxious you have to go only with summary…!!

Taking you to the summer of 2006

When their friendship had just fixed….!!

Both of them were then in class 9,

When everything was going fine…!!

Hi, hello were the normal introduction,

Before the feelings for others were fixed in connection..!!

The closeness in their friendship grew,

And all set, others started gossiping, sometimes taking interview…!!

Every set of season came and went,

But their friendship never came to an end!!

Finally it was year 2007,

When they think, their friendship is far beyond heaven…!!

They starting sharing too many dreams,

Sealed with lots of promises which never steamed!!   

Then one day happened something bad,

For which both of them became sad,

Day by day everything went askew,

Problems were apparently, but the separation grew!!

And just like that, the communication was broken,

“Just get lost” the last words were spoken….!!

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the lost childhood

click on the the link for the previous post:
childhood memories-1
a flashback to my school days
those days....

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sometime few lines can explain everything.....things that we can't express in words, feelings that can't be reveled out....promises that can't be fulfilled ....goals that can't be hit....ambition that seems to be shattered...life that need a pause...and then you just keep your eyes close and listen to the thump of those lovely songs which soothe you the most ....!! That state of mind is something close to peace.....!

    Ohhh re manva tu toh bawara hai
Tu hi Jaane tu kya sochta hai
Tu hi Jaane tu kya sochta hai
Baawarein
Kyun dikhaye sapne tu sote jagte

Jo barse sapne bund bund
Naino ko mund mund
Kaise mai chalu dekhna saku anjaan raaste
Gunja sa hai Koi iktaara iktaara
Dil me bole Koi iktaara
Dil me bole Koi iktaara
Gunja sa hai Koi iktaara

Sun rahi hoon mai Sudh budh khoke Koi mai kahaani
Puri kahaani hai kya kise hai pata
Mai toh kisi ki hoke ye bhi na jaani
Rut hai ye do pal ki ye rahegi sada kise hai pata
Jo barse sapne bund bund
Naino ko mund mund
Kaise mai chalu dekhna saku anjaan raaste
Gunja sa hai Koi iktaara iktaara
Dil me bole Koi iktaara
Dil me bole Koi iktaara
Gunja sa hai Koi iktaara 
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PS: i choose the title of the post as untitle because sometimes no words, no title has power to express your inner most feelings....this is one among many..!
------scribbled by : praveen

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  ‘if she ever found him sad or thinking too much, she would say something funny, make him laugh, tell him it’s going to be fine and the warmth and joy she felt in her heart whenever she was successful in making him smile, satisfied her’

I read it somewhere ‘the joy one gets in making others happy is invincible.It makes one whole, makes one content.’ When I read those lines I had never felt like it, although I had made people happy around me in some or the other way but I never found my happiness in it. I still did not know what it felt like making someone happy and feeling at peace.

And recently I have been having this very particular feeling. It’s different from happiness or blissfulness; it’s a three letter word ‘joy’. Joy brings with it truck loads of happiness and satisfaction, all at one time. Joy is not just about you, it’s about more than you and it’s about someone else. Joy is not about just making someone
 smile, it’s about feeling good when youlook at that smile. Yes! There is an ulterior motive behind bringing that joy,a selfish one to be precise.

I had never thought I would ever experience such a feeling or a feeling likethat existed. I always thought that when I look at my friends smiling knowing that I made them, made me feel like smiling but I had never felt the feeling of warmth and of being whole until now. Making someone happy brought a whole new perspective to me and I realized there is so much within us waiting to be explored, so much emotions waiting to come out,
so many thoughts waiting to be analyzed and so many beliefs waiting to be formed.

So if ever you find a feeling so pure, purer than the feeling of love, consider yourself lucky because then along with love you would have found peace and satisfaction as love still does form a tiny part of that word ‘joy’.

‘She said that one line that always made him laugh, she made that adorable face that always made him smile, even though somewhere knowing the future she was hurting inside. And then she remembered the line- for you a thousand times over’

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it pains when u no longer own a feeling..an idea..a creation u lived...imagined...dreamed..prayed..initiated..and loved with all your heart....

it pains when ppl u share all yr jokes wid dunt find it funny...

it pains wen yr intentions are accused...

it pains wen u keeep holdin on to an idea...a belief a faith for sooooo long only to find someday that u were holdin on thin air...

funny...but true...how something can brush across yr heart in a fraction of seconds n giv u pain that u neva imagined...

funny how some third parties words keep back to u..encirclin in yr mind...how much eva u try to rmove the crap----its crap after all..isnt it?

funny how ppl whom we luv care n adore behave strangely wid us....in a manner that wrenches d heart....

funnny how we make d most wildest decisions based on the situation mentioned above...

decisions dat we may not have dreamt of making...decisions wich r taken by facing the heat--

-wen it pains...coz wen it does...it burns not only d heart but also d face...d cheeks..d eyes...

funnny wat a day-an hr-a minute can do to u n yr state of mind...

funny wen sometimes u feel best wen u r left alone...d silence...d slow breathing...d sanctity of yr own presence...everything bout u dat u feel to notice wen u r in a crowd...

funny wat "pain" can do to u..p-a-i-n!!!

the 4 letter monster wich hurts pokes...makes u cry...but teaches u...a moment of pain can teach u wat a decade of happiness cant!!!!

PS:- i dunno what i want, may be love, life, dream, ambition....or may be silence, isolation.....!

In  my dream you are my life

but in my life you are my dream...

PPS:- passing through the bad phases of my life...in front of my eyes i am seeing my red rose turning into yellow..! but i can't say anything, more over i have to pretend as if yellow is better than red...! 
 

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When I was a kid, I was taught to move forward with everyone, to take into consideration what might be good for all than what might be good just for me. I was taught that there are rules and I need to live by them, for if I don’t I will bring grief to myself and everyone related to me. I was asked to ‘sacrifice’ my individuality for the collective thought, my perceptions for the vision that was presented before me, my grey for their black and white and my black and white for their grey.

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 I have grown up, I set my own rules. Rules, which I like to break and rules which broke many frontiers. My journey started from an Indian village to a metropolitan city, and I landed in so called engineering college with loads of dream and ambition. After becoming 3/4^th of engineer I can say I am jack of all trade but master of none. I roam here and there, I rant, I cant ……but I won’t bore you by talking how I spent my last 3 year or how stupid I have grown in becoming 3/4^th of engineer.

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My friends tell me, I laugh a lot. My mp3 version of uff!!! Is so nice that it can be recorded for further dissection J loll!  They think I am one of the luckiest guys who don’t have any tension and who prefer always laughing and making others to smile but maybe i am a great illusionist in this field. I have got a talent for not showing my deepest wound which I am dissecting as I move on in life. I prefer isolation, I prefer imagination because in the realm of reality you will only get pain, and this world is full of masquerades, people know more to take work with you rather giving company when you really need it in your bad phases.

                It is surprising how your feelings can betray you even if you're behind the safety of a monitor and a key-board and not staring in the eyes of the one you're talking to...

Here quote a famous line by Sydney Sheldon:

"if you give a man a fish, he can have a meal,
but if you teach him to fish, he can eat for the rest of his life."

PS: One day I might be the deepest imprints embossed upon your heart; second a mere acquaintances and the third just a fading memories………..

--praveen

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I don't understand this.
Am i really experiencing the feeling of loneliness?
It's been a long time since I actually felt this way. Really really long time ago. Probably 4 years ago.

I can manage a wild guess and my feeling this way.
4 years ago, I had someone who I thought I can share everything with. Whom i can reveal all about my true self to, someone whom with I have no need to put up any sort of front around. Someone who can share my secrets. Someone, who promised to be a friend forever. Someone, who I would think of immediately when I needed strength, company, help.
And then something happened.
In short, I was stabbed, in the back.
The friendship ended. Forever ended. She no longer existed.

I was hurt. Deeply.
And i grew bitter. Friend. Close friend. True friend. Best friend. Ha. None of this actually ever existed. What are they, but words to deceive people that a relationship is worth getting into. That soul - mates do exist. I've learnt. The hard way. Those are all but lies. nothing, but lies.
And so I've built a wall around myself, a wall that I was sure no one was able to penetrate through. And no one did. At least, not in the 3 years after the hurtful relationship I went through. I didn't allow myself to get close to anyone. Why should I?
"People ask me why it is so hard to trust others
I ask them why it is so hard to keep a promise"
This was the mantra I lived with for the 3 years. It sure was painful, at the very beginning. I was thinking of all the could - have - beens, should - have - beens,
I was suffering from the lack of company. The contrast was so stark. From when the world belonged to just the two of us, when she was all I wanted and needed, to when nobody can get close to me at all. When I have no one I can even lean on, fall back on, talk to about sensitive issues. It was torture.
But i made it. I've molded myself, grew accustomed to the lack of company. Soon, loneliness changed to a mere "being alone". And i was perfectly fine with. In fact, if anything, I was quite comfortable, and even enjoyed being by myself. The freedom that comes with it, of not having any burden, no expectations to live up to, no fears of being hurt, no emotional drawback. I was a free man.

And that fateful January 2010, I met someone.
I should have known. It was all too familiar. Everything we did together reminded me in parts of whatever happened 3 years back. Of all the "forever" promised. Yet, blind faith was what kept me going, kept me believing in this friendship. Forever friendship. Ha. Sure.
They said, "Insanity is doing the same things over and over again, and expecting different results." And insane i was. The expected ending was written all over the place. I just chose to ignore it.

And now, I've let myself feel hurt again.
I feel lonely...
Lonely...
Alone, Yes. Definitely.
But lonely...?
Haven't crept up in my dictionary for 3 years already.
It's painfully. Awfully painful.
I never thought I would truly feel lonely ever again. Or maybe, change of perspective. Let's look at it this way. There's this special one, this once - in - a - lifetime - friend, who walks into your life, and everything changes. Everything.She completes your world. You realize she's the one you've been missing throughout your entire life, and with him, your life, you, are truly complete.
And then, just as suddenly. She walks out. She vanishes. She disappears. Forever gone.
I guess being alone, is perfectly fine, when you've always led your life by yourself. When you do anything, everything, by yourself. You never needed anyone. You were truly independent. When you've never been so truly absorbed in someone's else presence before.
And when you do, you fall into the trap. Because when she leaves, and you're left alone again, this time, something's different. Something's missing. Someone's missing. She is.
And when everything you are doing, would remind you of the could - have - been, the what - ifs, the if - he - was - here.
Previously, there was no alternative. There was no other option. You were alone. That's a fact. You accepted it.
But then she came into your life. You started dong things together. You started welcoming her into your life. You started acknowledging her presence. And when she leaves, and you do things alone again, you are reminded that she could have been right here, doing this very same thing with you.

Few, if any, would truly be able to understand, how torturous it truly is, when every little things, literally, reminds you of the person. When you walk to places you've been to together, and we've been through to a lot of places, and all it does is remind you of how you were with him, walking the same path, just a few weeks back.
When the acquaintances around you have no idea what is going on, and talks to you about the person, asking you how is she. It's painful, downright painful, when everyone around you associate you, and ask you about someone, you've been trying you damnest to forget. It's just torture.

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Dear blog,

I'm cringing and shrinking into myself these days..not being introvert..not being self-centered..but some kind of inertia holding me tight within the clutches of loneliness..kinda resorting to insightful introspection..

What do i have to muse so much about? I had never been a complex character to be dug and dissected...My life has always been simple enough to be cracked with an average savvy...But I’m switched into a thinking mode for the last 4 days...Trying desperately to topple it..But flunking each time...

I'm no more interested in hang outs, not in movies, neither in parties nor in talking with my friends... Life is turning out to be a hide and seek with me choosing to hide each time...There are those rejected phone calls and unanswered messages and neglected chats..

Perhaps the new twists and turns in my life and the inevitable bafflement is all responsible for my state of mind…
Perhaps the advent of a new serious life plays the magic…

Reasons apart..
I have become all alone..
Perhaps not alone..but trailing from a sucking loneliness to the genial solitude..

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 “Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel I remember wondering to be always together yet forever apart?”

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Ok! I turned the leaf of my life calendar about an hour back to know what I have achieved and where I had fallen in my CAT preparation. And with that analysis I can pin down with panache that I have crossed my 50% preparation mark on my desk. But the last one month was troublesome as I didn’t focused much of my time on my studies. I was on pins and needle.

I simply let time crawl out of my hand for instances I haven’t read a single novel since January 2012. I wonder why I lost interest in studies in last month and was busy in unearthing the memories of school, friends and my past days………..

Last night I was talking with my friend when I was stuck with the 7 letter word i:e “perfect”.

I have read about the perfection and its use like a perfect couple, a perfect boy, a perfect epitome of business tycoon, a perfect love, a perfect body, a perfect son……but I haven’t read about a perfect breakup, a perfect pain, a perfect tear…or a perfect hurt and agony.

Why is the word perfect not able to define a lost love, something like a perfect betrayal? I think the credit is “conventional overshadows innovation”.

Calling anybody perfect is a disgrace to humanity. If anyone is perfect, they are not human beings or they don’t fall under homo sapiens. Nothing in this world is perfect, so am I.   

“a small dot can stop a big sentence but few more dots can give a continuity”

I want to get to the top of my satisfaction once again. I wish to look in the mirror and call myself perfect, even though I know that for anyone who desires this, their world would come crumbling down under the weight of their own desire…

---praveen

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1) I’m not gonna eat ‘Smart Chips’, though it isn’t fried and in spite of MY FRIEND endorsing it. Those chips are shaped like underwears.

2) Thanks to TIME (my institute), I’m a busy man. I’d be so glued to your study material and Arun Sharma that it didn’t remind me of any work…..

3) ‘Tear your shirt off and pull your hair off’ moments- You go to a restaurant to ask for a veg. Manchurian, You place your order and wait endlessly talking non-sense with your friend. Inspite of getting veg. Manchurian you got chicken Manchurian and you eat it….what the f***k, you even don’t recognize its not veg… This episode happened with me last week. I was in Bolpur..{this is how a Brahmin boy eat chicken 2^nd time in his life…blush}

4) I end up calling the TATA PHOTON Customer Care regarding my speed problem. I’m looking forward to buy MTS…

5) I want to be Rajnikanth in my next life.

6) Friendship after ‘love’ is crap.

7) I don’t mind a mosquito bite (unless of course I don’t fall and die at once of Malaria or something.) But the buzz it makes around my ear makes me want to murder those silly creatures.

8) I am a bad writer…

9) I have written this blog with a mundane thought so don’t mind ….go to point no. 10

10) Next time, I’ll try to show off my intellect. Don’t laugh.

PS:-  "Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience".

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At this point of time I feel so insecure. The future is all bleak. I'm so scared about what tomorrow might bring to my life.

I am on the cusp of two road: Job or MBA?

On one side I am retrospecting in the past days of my childhood and busy in peeling off my childhood days to get an inkling of innocence which I think have died in me, other side it’s my carrier which is trying to get me out from my present hibernation period.

It has been eons and eons since I have touched my B-tech books and CAT material.

Standing where I am, I can surely blame the events which took the credit of repercussion, my friend suggested me to follow the path of spirituality which definitely will lead to peace and tranquility.

My dreams, my ambition and New Year resolution seems teasing me sitting in the corner of the room and I am unable to jab them by my firm determination which once was my biggest weapon.

I am succumbed.

---praveen

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Hope my last blog has given you a ride to your childhood days. Thanks for the comment and in between when I am trying to unearth my childhood days, I am getting more and more nostalgic.

The innocent “Praveen” has now become mature and more social. The labyrinth of myriad emotions and several factors has contributed a lot more effect. Sometimes I find myself in crossroad of life and I don’t want to come out of it. In between there comes different phases on which no-one has control of it.

Today, when I am on the way to unearth the childhood memories several pictures come in front of my eyes.

Let’s begin....

Picture 1: learning to ride a bicycle:

I remember the time I learned to ride a bicycle {thanks to my grandfather & uncle). I still remember the way my grandfather used to tag himself beside the cycle and run as I pedaled it along the roads of phulka naya tola from where I hail; Jamalpur. After which I got a ladies cycle (so that me and my sister both can use it) and was allowed to go to school taking my bicycle. I remember, at that time I was known for my cycle speed in my school and my friend Pankaj always accompanied me at the back. At that time my bicycle was more than a mercedies and every Sunday I along with my father used to oil to to keep it geared. 

Picture 2: playing hide and seek in the evening

In the busy schedule of today’s world, when I stare to those unlucky children who always enjoyed their evening time watching television and playing some sort of Pc game, my mind drives me back to my childhood days when I along with my neighbor used to play hide and seek. It was the most entertaining game.

 Life is full of never ending obstacles. Sometimes I fell to give up all the throat cutting competitions and ride back to childhood days, in the lap of our dearest families. I hardly remember the last time I have draped myself but this won’t be too easy.

After all life is a struggle. Ageing is truth……

I hardly remember the last time I dipped parle-G in water, I hardly remember the last time I had funs with water colors and crayons, hardly remember the last time I hold the hand of my parents in crossing the road……

But the memories are still cherished.

Growing old is mandatory but growing up is our choice…

And growing up always isn’t fun??

I am sure many of us miss childhood…

One way to get it back is keeping the kid in you alive..

Today and everyday…

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