the lost childhood

click on the the link for the previous post:
childhood memories-1
a flashback to my school days
those days....

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I don't understand this.
Am i really experiencing the feeling of loneliness?
It's been a long time since I actually felt this way. Really really long time ago. Probably 4 years ago.

I can manage a wild guess and my feeling this way.
4 years ago, I had someone who I thought I can share everything with. Whom i can reveal all about my true self to, someone whom with I have no need to put up any sort of front around. Someone who can share my secrets. Someone, who promised to be a friend forever. Someone, who I would think of immediately when I needed strength, company, help.
And then something happened.
In short, I was stabbed, in the back.
The friendship ended. Forever ended. She no longer existed.

I was hurt. Deeply.
And i grew bitter. Friend. Close friend. True friend. Best friend. Ha. None of this actually ever existed. What are they, but words to deceive people that a relationship is worth getting into. That soul - mates do exist. I've learnt. The hard way. Those are all but lies. nothing, but lies.
And so I've built a wall around myself, a wall that I was sure no one was able to penetrate through. And no one did. At least, not in the 3 years after the hurtful relationship I went through. I didn't allow myself to get close to anyone. Why should I?
"People ask me why it is so hard to trust others
I ask them why it is so hard to keep a promise"
This was the mantra I lived with for the 3 years. It sure was painful, at the very beginning. I was thinking of all the could - have - beens, should - have - beens,
I was suffering from the lack of company. The contrast was so stark. From when the world belonged to just the two of us, when she was all I wanted and needed, to when nobody can get close to me at all. When I have no one I can even lean on, fall back on, talk to about sensitive issues. It was torture.
But i made it. I've molded myself, grew accustomed to the lack of company. Soon, loneliness changed to a mere "being alone". And i was perfectly fine with. In fact, if anything, I was quite comfortable, and even enjoyed being by myself. The freedom that comes with it, of not having any burden, no expectations to live up to, no fears of being hurt, no emotional drawback. I was a free man.

And that fateful January 2010, I met someone.
I should have known. It was all too familiar. Everything we did together reminded me in parts of whatever happened 3 years back. Of all the "forever" promised. Yet, blind faith was what kept me going, kept me believing in this friendship. Forever friendship. Ha. Sure.
They said, "Insanity is doing the same things over and over again, and expecting different results." And insane i was. The expected ending was written all over the place. I just chose to ignore it.

And now, I've let myself feel hurt again.
I feel lonely...
Lonely...
Alone, Yes. Definitely.
But lonely...?
Haven't crept up in my dictionary for 3 years already.
It's painfully. Awfully painful.
I never thought I would truly feel lonely ever again. Or maybe, change of perspective. Let's look at it this way. There's this special one, this once - in - a - lifetime - friend, who walks into your life, and everything changes. Everything.She completes your world. You realize she's the one you've been missing throughout your entire life, and with him, your life, you, are truly complete.
And then, just as suddenly. She walks out. She vanishes. She disappears. Forever gone.
I guess being alone, is perfectly fine, when you've always led your life by yourself. When you do anything, everything, by yourself. You never needed anyone. You were truly independent. When you've never been so truly absorbed in someone's else presence before.
And when you do, you fall into the trap. Because when she leaves, and you're left alone again, this time, something's different. Something's missing. Someone's missing. She is.
And when everything you are doing, would remind you of the could - have - been, the what - ifs, the if - he - was - here.
Previously, there was no alternative. There was no other option. You were alone. That's a fact. You accepted it.
But then she came into your life. You started dong things together. You started welcoming her into your life. You started acknowledging her presence. And when she leaves, and you do things alone again, you are reminded that she could have been right here, doing this very same thing with you.

Few, if any, would truly be able to understand, how torturous it truly is, when every little things, literally, reminds you of the person. When you walk to places you've been to together, and we've been through to a lot of places, and all it does is remind you of how you were with him, walking the same path, just a few weeks back.
When the acquaintances around you have no idea what is going on, and talks to you about the person, asking you how is she. It's painful, downright painful, when everyone around you associate you, and ask you about someone, you've been trying you damnest to forget. It's just torture.

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Hope my last blog has given you a ride to your childhood days. Thanks for the comment and in between when I am trying to unearth my childhood days, I am getting more and more nostalgic.

The innocent “Praveen” has now become mature and more social. The labyrinth of myriad emotions and several factors has contributed a lot more effect. Sometimes I find myself in crossroad of life and I don’t want to come out of it. In between there comes different phases on which no-one has control of it.

Today, when I am on the way to unearth the childhood memories several pictures come in front of my eyes.

Let’s begin....

Picture 1: learning to ride a bicycle:

I remember the time I learned to ride a bicycle {thanks to my grandfather & uncle). I still remember the way my grandfather used to tag himself beside the cycle and run as I pedaled it along the roads of phulka naya tola from where I hail; Jamalpur. After which I got a ladies cycle (so that me and my sister both can use it) and was allowed to go to school taking my bicycle. I remember, at that time I was known for my cycle speed in my school and my friend Pankaj always accompanied me at the back. At that time my bicycle was more than a mercedies and every Sunday I along with my father used to oil to to keep it geared. 

Picture 2: playing hide and seek in the evening

In the busy schedule of today’s world, when I stare to those unlucky children who always enjoyed their evening time watching television and playing some sort of Pc game, my mind drives me back to my childhood days when I along with my neighbor used to play hide and seek. It was the most entertaining game.

 Life is full of never ending obstacles. Sometimes I fell to give up all the throat cutting competitions and ride back to childhood days, in the lap of our dearest families. I hardly remember the last time I have draped myself but this won’t be too easy.

After all life is a struggle. Ageing is truth……

I hardly remember the last time I dipped parle-G in water, I hardly remember the last time I had funs with water colors and crayons, hardly remember the last time I hold the hand of my parents in crossing the road……

But the memories are still cherished.

Growing old is mandatory but growing up is our choice…

And growing up always isn’t fun??

I am sure many of us miss childhood…

One way to get it back is keeping the kid in you alive..

Today and everyday…

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OUR TEACHERS

PANKAJ-----THE MASTER MIND

It’s like a vapour....a gust of wind..spouts from nowhere suddenly n u remember little "sumthings"...and makes u sigh "ah!!! those days"



21 years n 3 months...n pretty much stuff to remember:

1. St. Michael high school- golfinger party



1:10pm last period off...7 friends….. PANKAJ, SANDEEP, AMIT, PRAVEEN, MAUSAM, RASHMI & SNIGDHA….100 for Rs 5 only {so cheap those time}.

I and Pankaj marching towards golfinger dukan checking our pockets for money contribution, rest of our friends waiting for the golfinger, keeping an eye on our dearest teacher Rakesh Sir & Bipin sir.

These chores were there throughout our academic session until we left the school after our farewell….. 

SPORTS DAY

RASHMI

2: THE DAY WHEN WE USED TO MALINGER OUR CLASS……….       

I remember I was TAGORE HOUSE CAPTAIN, Mausam SCHOOL CAPTAIN. Pankaj SHASHTRI HOUSE CAPTAIN…
and we have so much of fun when there was such a special occasion like Annual Concert, sports day, teachers day, school day  etc etc etc…. during that time we always gave a false excuse when we don’t feel to attend those history classes by Miss Suchita, English class by our Sir Rakesh { now I feel the need of those grammar rules which we are supposed to cram up, when I am preparing for CAT}


3: WEEKLY CLASS TEST
Aaaah!!! How can I forget about those highly competitive exam ever faced in my life- our weekly test. Ha Ha Ha…

It was not so tough but to beat the rest of my friend in the exam was the toughest part in St. Michael.

Competition was so tough that many a times we got 100% marks in 5-6 continues test. loll

Sometimes it was me who topped the aggregate list or sometimes it was pankaj, Praveen, amit…not a fixed position of topper in weekly test…those were the days…those were the time when we used to study….

CLASS TEST- SIR AMITABH

But there was a girl Sweeta.. no one can beat her in history, civics & geography paper…!!!

4: forged signature in Hindi Copy

unfortunately I was very week in hindi grammar, there was lot of rules regarding in identifying alankar …….Pankaj topped the list in hindi and got 92 marks in board (amazing).

When ever we secured bad marks in test sir says to get signed the paper. And as usual, I neatly scribbled my father’s sign [verrrry unprofessionally]
n my teacher[Sir Manoj whom i can never forget] raised her eyebrows..!!!
and I gave amusing an innocent look as if I was beaten very badly to get it finally signed.

I got comment like if your performance in hindi continues like this you will hardly get 60+ marks in your board exam. Unfortunately I got 90 in hindi…ha ha ha…

SANDEEP

MIRACLE!!!
5. Tiffin- box and lunch break:

ADITYA- THE ROBOT

I bet you will think how voracious we were but believe me folks, we were not gourmand, it was the result of less Tiffin and more hands that food results only for less than 5 minutes in its very place. We have had a feeling of brotherly and sisterly relationship with all our class mates.

6. Assembly gathering and mic problem.!!!

Ha ha ha!! I still remember, how many times sir shifted the mic duty just because when there was some important day or speech, it was mic which added a good pleasure with its chaaaaai chuuuuuui awaz!!!

Every possible technology was imparted to make it chaaaaaaaai chuuuuuuuuii free but loll!!!! Every technology failed…..

Such was my school days and such are the incidents related to it.

PS:-- funny what nostalgia can do to u...and funny that we dont realise that the time we spend today is going to transform into nostalgia...it ll keep comin back...in vapours...and we'll sit back n sigh...we wont remember our marks[i forgot what i got last sem;)] but what we'll remember is the time we were thrown out of the class..its not the biggies but the tiny miniscule things which give nostalgia its perpetual sweetness....................

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It is not completely wrong when they say-
"Everything happens for a reason"

What a great lesson it was.

Some people come into your life..
become a part of it in a big way..
n then leave.

hurts deeply..

we fail to understand the true reason behind it..
but later after few days/months/years when we look at what it has made out of the kiddish foolish vulnerable "you"..how it has transformed you into a tougher and wiser grown-up..
we realise how imp that was.

It was important to go through all of that to be able to look through things with a new improved perspective..
to move on to a new stage of life..
finally come out of the teenage dreams fantasies and image of a goodie goodie world..
stop thinking and speculating too much.
.to finally learn and go with the flow..
enjoy the flow..

I hate it when I give out my fundas like this on my blog..I feel like a stupid emotional fool crying for sympathy and attention..but this is MY blog..i have the right to scribble what ever i feel like..after all one purpose of creating it was to vent out my feelings.

When one lesson wasnt enough..when my stubborn heart refused to accept that this is how things are..God gave me a new lesson that finally did it.

I cant stop appreciating God for all the pain he has given me. All that was so bloody important.

If today I find out that my partner has been cheating on me I think I will be more prepared to deal with the situation than I would have been had the same thing happened 6 months back..(No no my partner hasnt cheated on me,infact i dont have a partner!, i have had only a msg partner) :-(
After a complete transformation.

One thing to be noted here is she evens gives you time, new people and new circumstances to make sure that all the bruises get healed..but makes sure that you've learnt to never stumble and fall down due to the same stone in future..

I feel so fresh..
I feel like a new born..
New spirit..
Better equipped..
I suddenly feel like I am standing on a cliff..fresh air and enthusiasm gushing through my veins..
I feel so Fear less..
I've finally learnt what they mean by "Taking it easy"

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Guys/Gals,

Ever stumbled upon an old xmas card handmade meticulously ,fine crafted by your 8th std bench partner..
we had ample time for meaningful friendship(even after homework) coz we were oblivious to facebook greetings(thankfully!)
those days...
when xmas celebrations in school were awaited (to see which teacher is santa this year)
when "best class bulletin board " competitions were held..all the energies were exerted to make OUR bulletin board grand:)
when standing out of class was a source of immense embarassment..so much that your cheeks flushed while you contemplated to skip school next day...
when getting caught for long nails in the regular check after prayers was such-a-big-deal!
when your elder siblings method of teaching maths was ALWAYS WRONG![ coz TEACHER was always right!]
when last-minute cramming was unheard of! Courtesy: everyday homework
when vacations were actually vacations...
when teachers made the entire class stand outside the class for making noise..and we stood[ give it today and they ll have a hard time hunting us:p]
when winning a quiz competition could put you on cloud nine..
when food was gulped down quickly in recess....
when b'days were awaited coz the whole class sang for you..and you preserved extra chocs for your best friend!
when you thought you "fooled" your teacher by mouthing and not reading the poem,the whole class was reciting!
when "call your parents!" and "a remark in the diary" was scarier than jumping off the terrace..
even a flashback to those days is priceless...invaluable..
nothing can ever equate to the riches of childhood...the treasure of schooldays...

PS:- Friendship cards, new year greetings and X-mas cards by my school buddies: Mausam, Snigdha, Rashmi, Sweeta, Kanchan, and Pankaj  took me back...compelled me to flashback to the golden days...
PPS: this blog is dedicated to my ever best buddies i met in my life during my school days...

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