0
"from loneliness to being alone"
on
June 01, 2012
in
nostalgia
I don't understand this.
Am i really experiencing the feeling of loneliness?
It's been a long time since I actually felt this way. Really really long time ago. Probably 4 years ago.
I can manage a wild guess and my feeling this way.
4 years ago, I had someone who I thought I can share everything with. Whom i can reveal all about my true self to, someone whom with I have no need to put up any sort of front around. Someone who can share my secrets. Someone, who promised to be a friend forever. Someone, who I would think of immediately when I needed strength, company, help.
And then something happened.
In short, I was stabbed, in the back.
The friendship ended. Forever ended. She no longer existed.
I was hurt. Deeply.
And i grew bitter. Friend. Close friend. True friend. Best friend. Ha. None of this actually ever existed. What are they, but words to deceive people that a relationship is worth getting into. That soul - mates do exist. I've learnt. The hard way. Those are all but lies. nothing, but lies.
And so I've built a wall around myself, a wall that I was sure no one was able to penetrate through. And no one did. At least, not in the 3 years after the hurtful relationship I went through. I didn't allow myself to get close to anyone. Why should I?
"People ask me why it is so hard to trust others
I ask them why it is so hard to keep a promise"
This was the mantra I lived with for the 3 years. It sure was painful, at the very beginning. I was thinking of all the could - have - beens, should - have - beens,
I was suffering from the lack of company. The contrast was so stark. From when the world belonged to just the two of us, when she was all I wanted and needed, to when nobody can get close to me at all. When I have no one I can even lean on, fall back on, talk to about sensitive issues. It was torture.
But i made it. I've molded myself, grew accustomed to the lack of company. Soon, loneliness changed to a mere "being alone". And i was perfectly fine with. In fact, if anything, I was quite comfortable, and even enjoyed being by myself. The freedom that comes with it, of not having any burden, no expectations to live up to, no fears of being hurt, no emotional drawback. I was a free man.
And that fateful January 2010, I met someone.
I should have known. It was all too familiar. Everything we did together reminded me in parts of whatever happened 3 years back. Of all the "forever" promised. Yet, blind faith was what kept me going, kept me believing in this friendship. Forever friendship. Ha. Sure.
They said, "Insanity is doing the same things over and over again, and expecting different results." And insane i was. The expected ending was written all over the place. I just chose to ignore it.
And now, I've let myself feel hurt again.
I feel lonely...
Lonely...
Alone, Yes. Definitely.
But lonely...?
Haven't crept up in my dictionary for 3 years already.
It's painfully. Awfully painful.
I never thought I would truly feel lonely ever again. Or maybe, change of perspective. Let's look at it this way. There's this special one, this once - in - a - lifetime - friend, who walks into your life, and everything changes. Everything.She completes your world. You realize she's the one you've been missing throughout your entire life, and with him, your life, you, are truly complete.
And then, just as suddenly. She walks out. She vanishes. She disappears. Forever gone.
I guess being alone, is perfectly fine, when you've always led your life by yourself. When you do anything, everything, by yourself. You never needed anyone. You were truly independent. When you've never been so truly absorbed in someone's else presence before.
And when you do, you fall into the trap. Because when she leaves, and you're left alone again, this time, something's different. Something's missing. Someone's missing. She is.
And when everything you are doing, would remind you of the could - have - been, the what - ifs, the if - he - was - here.
Previously, there was no alternative. There was no other option. You were alone. That's a fact. You accepted it.
But then she came into your life. You started dong things together. You started welcoming her into your life. You started acknowledging her presence. And when she leaves, and you do things alone again, you are reminded that she could have been right here, doing this very same thing with you.
Few, if any, would truly be able to understand, how torturous it truly is, when every little things, literally, reminds you of the person. When you walk to places you've been to together, and we've been through to a lot of places, and all it does is remind you of how you were with him, walking the same path, just a few weeks back.
When the acquaintances around you have no idea what is going on, and talks to you about the person, asking you how is she. It's painful, downright painful, when everyone around you associate you, and ask you about someone, you've been trying you damnest to forget. It's just torture.
Am i really experiencing the feeling of loneliness?
It's been a long time since I actually felt this way. Really really long time ago. Probably 4 years ago.
I can manage a wild guess and my feeling this way.
4 years ago, I had someone who I thought I can share everything with. Whom i can reveal all about my true self to, someone whom with I have no need to put up any sort of front around. Someone who can share my secrets. Someone, who promised to be a friend forever. Someone, who I would think of immediately when I needed strength, company, help.
And then something happened.
In short, I was stabbed, in the back.
The friendship ended. Forever ended. She no longer existed.
I was hurt. Deeply.
And i grew bitter. Friend. Close friend. True friend. Best friend. Ha. None of this actually ever existed. What are they, but words to deceive people that a relationship is worth getting into. That soul - mates do exist. I've learnt. The hard way. Those are all but lies. nothing, but lies.
And so I've built a wall around myself, a wall that I was sure no one was able to penetrate through. And no one did. At least, not in the 3 years after the hurtful relationship I went through. I didn't allow myself to get close to anyone. Why should I?
"People ask me why it is so hard to trust others
I ask them why it is so hard to keep a promise"
This was the mantra I lived with for the 3 years. It sure was painful, at the very beginning. I was thinking of all the could - have - beens, should - have - beens,
I was suffering from the lack of company. The contrast was so stark. From when the world belonged to just the two of us, when she was all I wanted and needed, to when nobody can get close to me at all. When I have no one I can even lean on, fall back on, talk to about sensitive issues. It was torture.
But i made it. I've molded myself, grew accustomed to the lack of company. Soon, loneliness changed to a mere "being alone". And i was perfectly fine with. In fact, if anything, I was quite comfortable, and even enjoyed being by myself. The freedom that comes with it, of not having any burden, no expectations to live up to, no fears of being hurt, no emotional drawback. I was a free man.
And that fateful January 2010, I met someone.
I should have known. It was all too familiar. Everything we did together reminded me in parts of whatever happened 3 years back. Of all the "forever" promised. Yet, blind faith was what kept me going, kept me believing in this friendship. Forever friendship. Ha. Sure.
They said, "Insanity is doing the same things over and over again, and expecting different results." And insane i was. The expected ending was written all over the place. I just chose to ignore it.
And now, I've let myself feel hurt again.
I feel lonely...
Lonely...
Alone, Yes. Definitely.
But lonely...?
Haven't crept up in my dictionary for 3 years already.
It's painfully. Awfully painful.
I never thought I would truly feel lonely ever again. Or maybe, change of perspective. Let's look at it this way. There's this special one, this once - in - a - lifetime - friend, who walks into your life, and everything changes. Everything.She completes your world. You realize she's the one you've been missing throughout your entire life, and with him, your life, you, are truly complete.
And then, just as suddenly. She walks out. She vanishes. She disappears. Forever gone.
I guess being alone, is perfectly fine, when you've always led your life by yourself. When you do anything, everything, by yourself. You never needed anyone. You were truly independent. When you've never been so truly absorbed in someone's else presence before.
And when you do, you fall into the trap. Because when she leaves, and you're left alone again, this time, something's different. Something's missing. Someone's missing. She is.
And when everything you are doing, would remind you of the could - have - been, the what - ifs, the if - he - was - here.
Previously, there was no alternative. There was no other option. You were alone. That's a fact. You accepted it.
But then she came into your life. You started dong things together. You started welcoming her into your life. You started acknowledging her presence. And when she leaves, and you do things alone again, you are reminded that she could have been right here, doing this very same thing with you.
Few, if any, would truly be able to understand, how torturous it truly is, when every little things, literally, reminds you of the person. When you walk to places you've been to together, and we've been through to a lot of places, and all it does is remind you of how you were with him, walking the same path, just a few weeks back.
When the acquaintances around you have no idea what is going on, and talks to you about the person, asking you how is she. It's painful, downright painful, when everyone around you associate you, and ask you about someone, you've been trying you damnest to forget. It's just torture.
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